My post today is a response to this peach of a letter, which you can read here: https://ndsmcobserver.com/2019/03/the-legging-problem/
Dear Maryann White, “Catholic Mother of Four Sons with a Problem Only Girls Can Fix – Leggings”:
Congratulations on single-handedly solving one of the world’s leading problems – how to stop men from lusting, straying, cheating, assaulting and raping. I commend you for your ingenuity, research, and commitment to making sure the world is an easy and sin-free place for your four sons. The solution has been right in front of our eyes for millenniums and we’ve blindly overlooked it – avoiding leggings. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!?
I think back to all of my years and tears battling sex slavery, and had those girls abstained from wearing leggings or revealing clothing, the destruction of their sexual dignity would have been spared. I will be sure to spread this revelation to my entire network of like-minded social justice warriors, who will in turn ditch decades of hard work and progress for this one simple fix. You’re a freakin genius Maryann! Obviously this is how things will play out moving forward:
Trafficked Girl: *Gets dressed for the evening; chooses sweatpants instead of leggings*
The John: “OMG. What is this ghastly sight standing before me? IN SWEATPANTS?? Who knows what she’s hiding underneath all of that leg room. I changed my mind. I don’t need the sex. I’m going back to the hotel, eating some trail mix, calling my wife, and watching Dateline”.
CRISIS AVERTED THANKS TO NON-REVEALING PANT CHOICES.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I was an avid leggings wearer and supporter. You see, I am a tall, lanky, 34-year-old who has pushed out two kids and has an unhealthy addiction to Arby’s. Picture a telephone pole with an inner tube around it – i.e. love handles paired with zero hips and an inverted ass (thanks genetics… much appreciated). Do you want to know what trickery hid my awkward body shape so well? HIGH-WAISTED LEGGINGS, MARYANN. They were my magic Spanx-pants and glorious sucker-inners! Like most women, I didn’t wear leggings to show off my body, but instead to tuck, roll, lift and avoid the tears when my favorite unforgiving jeans refused to button.
Did I also wear leggings because they stretch, bend and allow me to do/pretend to do physical activities? Yes.
Was the occasional camel-toe worth it to avoid a muffin top? Also yes.
I would have spent the rest of my life wearing my love-handle hiders with confidence, but thanks to you, Maryann, I realize my personal comfort takes a backseat to my real purpose – to dress in such a way that the world is a more accommodating place for men. I’m an enlightened woman now; as we speak I’m making plans to commission the Amish for some flattering new frocks. Once my male-repellent apparel arrives, I’ll destroy all of my leggings, right along with my hard-earned career and right to vote.
And while we’re busy teaching our young daughters that they must take sole responsibility for the actions of others, I have another idea I want to run by you. Can we start an anti-lusting movement for females as well? I am in my sexual prime Maryann, and let me tell you, the temptations are EVERYWHERE. I am in a happy, monogamous relationship with a sexy man I can’t keep my hands off of, but according to your logic and my desires, I’m still doomed.
If only we were an advanced species with the capacity to know right from wrong. If only we could comprehend how to stay committed to our loved ones and not sexually harass others.
But I guess we aren’t, and it appears we can’t. So I graciously ask you the following:
Maryann, if you could kindly raise your boys to never play sports, that would be FANTASTIC. Athletes are a major turn-on for me. The muscles. The sweat. The aggression. The yelling. The adrenaline. All of it. YES PLEASE.
Can you also teach them never to hunt, fish, farm or use tools of any kind? There’s just something about a man in camouflage, or a dirty old work shirt while holding a hammer that gets us all hot and bothered. A worn-out pair of Wranglers is to women, what leggings are to your boys. An instant lady boner, if you will.
While you’re at it, can you add boy-band dancing to that list? If you knew the impure thoughts I had about Justin Timberlake and his ramen-noodle hair circa 1999, you would stop reading this and immediately start to pray for the redemption of my soul. Even now the sight of a bandana instantly flashes me back to those gyrating hips… and it’s tearin’ up something other than my heart…
I strongly advise your sons to avoid an education. When I see a man in glasses reading, writing, working hard, directing others, being a team player and wearing his big boy boss pants – my carnal thirst for intellect takes over and I’m tempted to thrust myself across his desk. I think ending a man’s education in sixth grade sounds completely reasonable.
My plea, Maryann, is that you never let your sons act or participate in the theater. Ryan Reynolds. Zac Efron. Matthew McConaughey. Jason Momoa. JASON FREAKIN MOMOA. SHIRTLESS. You get where I’m going with is. Hold on I need a cold shower I’ll be right back to continue my letter…
I would be much obliged if you could teach your four sons to give up laughing, smiling, and a sense of humor all together. Women go weak when a man laughs, or has fun of any sort. The drier the personality, the better. Write this down Maryann.
Can you PLEASE, for the help of all womankind – teach your sons to be giant douche bags instead of considerate, emotional creatures capable of compassion. Don’t ever let your sons write a poem, show kindness, help a friend, or hug a puppy. I mean it Maryann. You’re opening up the sexual floodgates when you let a man show emotions.
AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD… NEVER, I MEAN NEVER… LET YOUR SONS HOLD A BABY OR INTERACT WITH SMALL CHILDREN. Our hormones and our bodies take over when we see this behavior. It’s disguised as adorable, yet we know it’s a likely ruse to provoke our innermost passions whilst our ovaries become instantly fertile and turn us into sex-crazed zombies! You’re sending every female on a one-way path to hades if you let your boys partake in the filthy unrighteousness.
Maryann, I thank you for your understanding and consideration of my request. I have faith that you will respect my wishes, the same way you want every girl to respect yours. To continue being a good Catholic mother, you should instruct your sons to be dull, lifeless creatures with no physical attributes and zero skills – female purity across the globe is depending on it. If you accomplish this task, we ladies can walk safely in public again without getting handsy with a male passerby.
Together we can save the world’s lust problem. We’ll stop wearing leggings, if the boys stop doing everything else.
Sincerely, Jessica Trump: Spiritual mother of two daughters with a problem only men can fix.